Category: MySpace Archive

Experience Wish List

Current mood:  accomplished

As my birthday was approaching, I wasn’t certain if I would be able to take a trip for my birthday. With that thought in mind, I decided to create a wish list of experiences. The list was mostly old things that I had said I would like to do “someday”. My thought was that I would pick something simple off the list if I didn’t go anywhere and do that thing for my birthday. The easiest item was to go horseback riding. I’ve taken a couple of vacations and said that I would like to go horseback riding but didn’t do it for whatever reason (usually poor planning on my part). Fortunately, I was able to take a short trip for my birthday but decided to still mark one item as complete – the horseback riding. I can now say that I’ve experienced riding a horse other than being at the fair with the horse walking around in a tethered circle. It was a raging success because the horse never fell nor did I fall off the horse. I won’t mention that the horse never galloped…

Since I can now mark that item complete, I decided to think of other experiences that I’d like to mark as complete as well. Some are a little more ambitious because I don’t have a deadline associated with completion. Here are the results:

• To experience sunrise and sunset off the New England Atlantic coast during fall with a fall foliage tour in between.

• To have a private performance of Moonlight Sonata in a dark room with the actual moonlight streaming through the windows (and/or candlelight for the pianist). A professional pianist is not required, just someone who can perform the music well.

• To eat a truffle dish made with actual truffles.

• To stand alone on a stage and sing a song to an audience.

• To spend a day on the ocean, far away from land, on a boat of course – just not a dinghy.

• To spend the night outdoors with the one I love, talking and looking at the stars (before I fall asleep).

Also, one of my accomplishments that I didn’t realize until a few weeks after the fact is that I’ve driven from the east coast to the west coast (Miami to Los Angeles). I didn’t do it at one time but I’ve done different legs over different periods of time resulting in my cross-country travel. With the exception of the leg from Miami to Atlanta, I’ve actually driven across the country within the first six months of this year – alone. Girl Power to the Max!

Nothing Compares

Current mood:  pensive

I took a trip this weekend that was partially a road trip. On a long expanse of interstate with a mix of desert and mountain ranges on each side, I heard Sinead O’Connor’s version of Nothing Compares to You on the radio. My listening choices had been sketchy at best leading up to this point so it was refreshing to hear something that I could relate to, even if the connection was sad. The song perfectly reflects where my heart or mind has been the last couple of months and I decided to belt the song out at the top of my lungs (needless to say, I was in the car alone). Despite the sad nature of the song, I actually felt pretty good afterwards because I am now at a point where I can look at the things that I miss about my ex-boyfriend without crying. I actually felt more like myself while belting that song out than I have in a while.

Unfortunately, the song still holds true – nothing (or no one) compares to him. However I have faith that there will be someone on the horizon who will NOT compare to him because their own qualities will shine through in a way that will brook no comparison. And I will get out of my own way and allow it to happen.

Currently listening:
Nothing Compares 2 U
By Sinead O’Connor

The Father’s Hands

Current mood:  contemplative

Most mornings when I go to work, I take the most direct route along a major thoroughfare to get there. Some mornings when I’ve left at an adequate hour, I can stop and get coffee on the way at my favorite little coffee spot. When I do that, I take a route that meanders through the neighborhood instead. Almost without fail, I see a man walking his two sons to school. The two little boys seem very close in age because of their size, like five and three or six and four. I always smile when I see them because the father walks in a pace that the kids can match and he’s holding one little hand in each of his hands.

This morning when I saw them, it was the thought of those two little hands resting securely in each of his hands that struck me. Generally a mother’s hands provide care and comfort. Yet it is a father’s hands that provide security and safety. When I see the family of three walking together, I think about the security they must feel walking hand-in-hand with their father as they face a new day outside of the home. In their world, he probably can stop a car, take out a bully and send a vicious dog yelping for help, all without letting go of their hands. This gentle transition from the known comfort of home through the chaotic world outside of their home is one of the best gifts that this father can give. Later in life, they may not exactly remember these moments but I will. I call it love.

Much Is Well Within My Soul

Current mood:  content

Despite my having dreaded Mother’s Day coming, I am quite content at this moment. I woke up pretty excited Saturday morning because I was going to take a class in a subject that I’ve been interested in. After taking the class, I came home and kind of cleaned up, listened to music and fell asleep, mercifully so because I had been having problems sleeping all week. I woke up Sunday and I actually still felt quite good. I continued cleaning up and eventually put on clothes and went out to enjoy the beautiful day Sunday turned out to be.

There are many things that I don’t have. However I now feel that the things I currently have are enough and I have enough hope and/or faith that the things that are missing will eventually come. Each day since I woke up Saturday has been its own special little treat. My heart doesn’t feel as heavy as it has in the past and I feel that maybe, just maybe, I’m healing. Life is good and I feel good. For that, I’m grateful.

Currently listening:
Piano Classics
By Ludwig van Beethoven
Release date: 21 March, 2000

Mothers

Mother’s Day is this weekend and if I could skip this weekend I would. My mother died when I was 16 and Mother’s Day and the lead up to it has always been an awkward period for me to navigate. For the most part, I can move through life without having to publicly acknowledge that my mother is dead. It is very seldom that people ask the question (other than doctors and then it is a clinical question), therefore I don’t have to deal with the awkward moment afterwards where the person is embarrassed to have asked or the emotions that the question brings to the surface.

One thing that I’m realizing more and more is that my mother died when I was 16 but my need for a mother didn’t magically stop then. I’ve created various coping strategies to navigate through life without a mother but ultimately that is a definite void in my life. When I have a problem, I can’t call my mother to ask for advice or just to have her talk it through with me. When I have a tremendous accomplishment, I can’t call her first to share the news. I have family and friends that I do call but they are a poor stand-in through no fault of their own, they’re just not my mother.

A mother’s memory of you begins long before you are actually born. To a mother, you are that first fluttering sensation that she feels in her womb. You are the frightened (or excited) face she leaves behind on the first day of school or daycare. You are the victorious kid who rode the bike without training wheels or a guiding hand – and most importantly, without falling. To your mother you are the sum of all of the periods in your life, not just who you are today. It is from that perspective that a mother is able to offer reassurances about problems and congratulations for accomplishments that no one else is able to provide. I wish I had that.

On the flip side of this, I wish I knew my mother better. My only view of her is as my mother, however she had hopes, dreams and disappointments as a person and I don’t know those either.

I’ll close this by saying that I miss having a mother on days good and bad. That’s from the external 35 year-old me and the internal 16 year-old me as well.

My Life Is Moving In A Positive Direction

Current mood:  accomplished

This past week the division that I’m a part of had a large conference that occurs every two years. The conference involves the president of the division and some of his key direct reports presenting information to the hierarchy of division heads above our division, including the CEO of the overall parent company. The person who generally works these conferences left on maternity leave exactly two weeks prior to the conference. I had been working with her for six weeks prior to her leaving so I was somewhat aware of the magnitude of work coming my way. The whole time I’ve been there, people have expressed concern about my ability to handle stress or pressure. At times it felt more like an indictment (we don’t think you CAN handle pressure) as opposed to a hypothetical question.

The week of the conference arrived and so did the presenters and attendees from the various parts of the country and world. There were people in from Texas, the Middle East, the Netherlands and the UK. Despite having not known them in advance, we were able to quickly build a working rapport that allowed them to feel comfortable with my ability to get them through the presentation dry-runs and the presentation itself. That is until I ran into a piece of career sabotage.

The conference room had a huge screen that could project two slides at once. For each screen, there was one copy of the presentation – a left copy and a right copy. For information projected on the left, we had to hide the evenly numbered slides and vice-versa for the right. There was another assistant who also was there and she copied and pasted the first three introductory pages of one person’s presentation deep into the body of the presentation. I caught what she had done before the group had gotten to that file and the A/V guy made the change to the presentation – or so I thought. I was called into the room where the presentations were being rehearsed so that I could make on the spot changes as they were rehearsing. That same error appeared on the screen despite the earlier correction. At that point, I didn’t know if she went back in to screw up the presentation or if the A/V guy didn’t save the changes he made. The information was on an accessible server so I made the decision to take my original copies and make a new folder in an obscure location and work from that. It worked like a charm. No other problems after that.

The day of the conference, I was up early (despite being up very late working on getting the books together) and in the conference room correcting one of the books. I also had the A/V equipment running in the event anyone wanted to practice or review one more time. I had the president’s presentation up and ready to go, then went to eat breakfast. When I came back, he was already in the midst of his presentation rehearsal. We were able to make one spot change, then everyone else worked through their presentations one last time as well. As the start time was getting closer, I left the room and went to play catch-up on the work I had ignored throughout the week.

Once the conference was over, everyone was smiles and happiness. I mainly thought of it as being relief that it was over. However, there was one aspect of the smiles of which I wasn’t immediately aware. I made my career with that day. I had been hired on a temp-to-perm basis which generally lasts ninety days. However, because of my ability to handle all of the crazy stress and loads of work, the president decided to offer me a permanent position before my ninety days were up. I’ve had this happen before and that was when I started working for my former boss that I worked with for six years almost.

Needless to say, this development has been a reaffirming moment for me at a time when life has definitely been not-so-affirming. When I found out, I gave myself a mental high-five.

More Gun Stories (I Thought I Was Finished)

Current mood: perplexed

In a strange twist of weird fate, I posted a rant yesterday about gunshots I heard in the neighborhood. Late yesterday afternoon, a coworker was telling me about the worst shooting incident in US history at Virginia Tech. I later read about it online.

What is going on? The last photo I’ve posted is very telling of our gun obsession if anything…

BLAM BLAM BLAM!! BANG BANG BANG!!

Current mood:  angry

Was the sound of the gunshots I heard last night. At first there was only one, followed by a pregnant pause. Then either the shooter found his target again and continued shooting or the target retaliated with his own gun. Who knows? Ultimately I’m angry because I must be afraid of random shots possibly killing me in my own home. To make matters worse, there is a police substation at the end of the block. So much for feeling safe and secure…

Where is the farm in Italy or France when I need it?

A song for all of the WONDERFUL men

Current mood: diva-esque as I walk around singing

I’ve changed the song on my profile from Gato Barbieri to a song by Terisa Griffin. I heard this song while I was in the car one day and it grabbed my attention and wouldn’t let go. I’ve been listening to the song all evening in the hopes of perfecting the song so that one day when I have a man who is truly wonderful, I too can sing my heart out and let him know just how wonderful I think he is. I almost went in the closet to put on one of my formal dresses and heels so that I can truly be in diva character.

So many R&B songs these days are songs that are filled with lyrics that make me question if R&B is capable of expressing love anymore. This one expresses appreciation for a wonderful man in a truly loving way. Some day I will too. In the meantime, if you’re a wonderful man know that there is a song out there made just for you. This is it.

Currently listening:
My Naked Soul
By Terisa Griffin

Memories Of Another Full Moon

Current mood:  contemplative

Last night, I went out around 8pm to run an errand. While out, I looked up and noticed there was a beautiful full moon in the sky. The moon was shining so brightly, I almost mistook it for a street lamp because it was positioned next to an actual street lamp from my vantage point. Seeing last night’s full moon made me remember one night in Paris two years ago. I was walking around not far from the hotel (it was February and too cold to venture far) in search of a restaurant where I could try escargot for the first time. I happened to have looked up and noticed a bright full moon illuminating the Paris night. From my window seat at the small restaurant, I could also see snowflakes swirling past one of the streetlights. That inspired me to write a poem on a napkin about the full moon over Paris. The poem was about my impressions at that moment. After I returned from the trip, I was never able to find the napkin. Seeing the full moon last night made me remember a lot of things: the sensation of walking around alone in Paris at night searching for a small restaurant that DIDN’T seem romantic; being guided by the waiter (in mutual Frenglish) about the proper technique for eating escargot; the full moon giving an incandescent glow to the skyline and treetops. Saint Louis definitely isn’t Paris but for a moment it made me remember Paris.