After having read the book, Alone Together, I’m now ready to post an update to my last post. I will start by saying that I’ve taken solace in finding that it’s not just me who has noticed the shift away from direct human contact. Unlike me, the author, Sherry Turkle, has gone several steps further by interviewing and documenting a phenomenon that has left me confounded for years.
It all started around 2008 when I was debating deleting my MySpace account. I joined the website in 2003 or 2005 (I think) and was encouraged by the fact that I could create a space that included my favorite movies, music, books and photos; I could even write blog entries about whatever was on my mind. In addition to being able to create my own space, I could also look at the spaces of others and see who had similar interests and “friend” them. The account even came with an automatic friend, Tom, the founder. So far, so good. I moved to a different city in late 2005 and the amount of activity increased all of a sudden. I would receive email messages from a variety of people. One communication was from an alleged 18 or 19 year-old who wanted me to “deflower” him. I was thrown by the request but responded as I would if I were his mother’s best friend from whom he sought advice – wait for that special person and be (hopefully equally) awkward with her. As time with the active account moved forward, I would receive email messages from people who wanted to “hook-up” or who just wanted to tell me in great detail what they’d like to do to me (and vice-versa). My photos were never erotic nor obscene, it’s actually the same photo on the main site. In addition, I went through being defriended online by someone I had actually met in person. When he realized I could no longer read his blog, he then resubmitted his friend request so that I could then read his blog posts that seemed to have had a very pointed (in my direction) topic. After a laidback start where I did actually “friend” some people with similar interests or interesting but dissimilar interests, MySpace had devolved into the kind of place populated by “Hey Baby” kind of people. I hate men who yell out “Hey Baby” in real life and online “Hey Babies” were worse because they were not constrained by the same consequences that the physical real presented (rejection, a thorough curse-out, fisticuffs). Although I felt put out by the overall downward spiral MySpace was taking for me, I hesitated to delete the account because of the time and material I had put into creating my space. It was, after all, my space.
However, I ultimately decided in the beginning of 2009 that MySpace would go. At the same time, I met one person who was a part of an interesting and fun clique of people. I enjoyed ever so often hanging out with the group and trying to remember the countless names and faces that I was presented with. If I had not realized that I was a one-at-a-time social person before then, I realized it at that time. One of the clique members, more like a fun-loving ringleader, always had her camera at the ready to take photos of any and EVERYTHING the clique did. Countless conversations were had about clique dynamics that happened on Facebook. One of the first questions asked of me when we first met was, was I on Facebook. I explained that I was contemplating deleting my MySpace account and didn’t want to join another social networking site at that time. Despite my explanation, she insisted that Facebook was different and had a far better user base than MySpace. Maybe so, but the dynamics seemed to have been the same. Maintaining an online presence with time and energy I was no longer interested in expending online. I did, however, enjoy socializing with the group ever so often. My “entree” friend would let me know of upcoming things she would be attending and I would decide if I had an interest in attending or not. One such invitation I attended was a lunch with just the ringleader and her. During the lunch, I had the opportunity to hear about the “scandal” that broke out among the clique regarding a married woman who was out partying with one of the clique members. Nasty comments were posted regarding the photos of the woman dancing with the clique member. Publicly he stated he didn’t know she was married, privately he said otherwise. It felt like the absolute worst aspects of high school all over again but in the midst of adulthood. I’ve always hated cliques and realized that joining Facebook to be a part of THAT was definitely not worth it. I drifted away after my “entree” friend moved.
Simultaneous to that, I was in a relationship with someone who was on Second Life. Although the site is named Second Life, I soon realized I was a First Life spectator of the enormous amount of time he spent on Second Life. In this situation, his primary life was actually Second Life. He grudgingly took breaks from it to be with others (me included) in First Life.
One benefit of that time period was that I realized I needed to do something about my real life social life. I had few friends and few activities that I participated in. Sadly, I’m still in that spot today (mostly of my own choosing to be perfectly honest). However, I realize Facebook is not going to be my answer to that dilemma. I don’t want to feel compelled to go to the site and give it virtual maintenance while not having actual flesh and blood (or telephone) encounters. Most of the people I know are on Facebook and they refer to it all the time as the way they find out information about their friends and family. Me, I call and hold a conversation. Conversations where the emotions resonate to clarify the message. Conversations where I can make my own snarky comments with a light-hearted delivery that lets the recipient know that I’m not a vicious person but someone with a bit of an irreverent sense of humor. Conversations where I or the person I’m talking to shares something emotional and personal with respect for the profundity of the situation. I had a conversation with a friend earlier today and he updated me on a plethora of new developments in his life. I would never want to read the news he shared on Facebook, I’m happy to have heard it from the proverbial horses mouth.
Instead of being alone together, one solitary person with a virtual connection to others, I would prefer to be together alone, at least two people, alone, from distracting virtual connections.
Now back to the author…