Just when I thought my biological clock was about to approach the fast, urgent ticking stage (similar to a bomb about to go off)…
I have another 32 years to potentially give birth! I would say this falls into the “just because you CAN do it, should you?” category.
First, I was driving up Kingshighway (a major thoroughfare) when I looked at a guy standing with his back turned to traffic – urinating! He was not hiding in the privacy of an alley or shielding himself behind a tree, he was just standing in full glory (with his back turned to traffic at least) urinating to his heart’s desire.
Second, I was at a red light near Laclede Avenue when a guy who was waiting to cross the street walked over to my car and pulled the door handle up! The door didn’t open and he kept walking as if he hadn’t done a thing. What the hell?
This weekend I went to see a sneak preview of Blood Diamond (don’t worry, I won’t give the movie away). Although the movie addresses a serious topic, conflict diamonds whose profits finance(d) torturous rebel factions in Sierra Leone, I was moved by something totally different – passionate fatherhood.
The main character is a Sierra Leonian father (played by Djimon Hounsou, I must pause to fan myself-I’ll continue typing in about 15 minutes…) who risks everything to find and then reunite his family. In his life, he doesn’t have much by way of material riches but he places supreme value on his family which includes a wife, daughter, son and a baby whose sex I am not sure of. Before trouble sets in, you see him interacting with his son and espousing his hopes and dreams for him. Although the movie shows the family going through dramatic conflicts which in turn warrant dramatic efforts to counterbalance it, it is rather arresting to see the passion with which Djimon’s character expresses his devotion to his family.
His passion resonates strongly with me because it so sharply contrasts with my reality and the reality of so many that I know. The example of fatherhood that I have from my own experience and that I’ve seen in the life of others is non-existent. Or fatherhood is an optional situation that men move in and out of at will. This is one part of my reality that I struggle to overcome. The things that you experience and see as a child growing up are often the things that subconsciously color your perceptions later in life. It is that potential absence (or optionality) of a father figure that grossly colors my perception to the point where most people don’t even realize that I want children. To illustrate the pervasiveness of my reality, I’ve had conversations with men when they speak about their children and how they feel about them and in my mind I’m like a three year old when you tell them that there have been men who walked on the moon (WOW! Really?!!). I’ve had men respond to the fact that I want children with a surprised tone similar in reaction as if I admitted that I enjoy having a root canal done without anesthesia – or better yet a mirror of my reaction, WOW! Really?!!
So yes, I do want to have children but most importantly I want to have them with someone as passionate about being their father as Djimon Hounsou was in Blood Diamond. Maybe that is what I will put on my hypothetical life’s Christmas list. I realize there is a lot of work that I need to do on my own as well so yes it’s on the list and I’m going to work on me too.
As for the movie, I highly recommend seeing it. It makes you think differently about the bling-bling and even the traditional engagement ring with which we adorn ourselves. Other than the list price on the small, discreet tag, what is the true cost of this piece of hardened coal that sparkles so beguilingly in front of us?
The movie opens nationwide December 8. For more information, go to Blood Diamond the movie.
Current mood: rejuvenated
Because of all of the changes that have occurred recently in my life, I’ve been struggling to keep a stiff upper lip. As a matter of fact, both lips have been quavering at random moments where I have no distractions. A big part of my problem is that I no longer have much social interaction because I’m not working, nor am I spending time with my now ex-boyfriend.
Without regular social interaction I’ve been feeling quite isolated and LONELY. Tonight I changed that by going to a Meetup and truly enjoyed myself and the people that I met. In addition to getting out of the house, I was able to talk to people about a subject which I have an interest in. That was the best therapy that I could receive right about now. At this particular moment, most is well within my soul.
Good night.
Currently listening:
Corinne Bailey Rae
By Corinne Bailey Rae
Release date: 20 June, 2006