August 2016 – Petitefreespirit

Moments of Beauty

To say that recent weeks (months even) have been stressful is a gross understatement. Being and remaining mindful has been a tremendous challenge as I walk around with a list of (nearly) impossible to-dos rambling around in my head. Yet, I have been surprised on two recent occasions with moments of beauty that redirected my focus to appreciation. Both instances happened during very mundane activities.

I was taking a shower last week and happened to look down at the spray hitting the puddled water on the shower floor. In that moment, I noticed the pattern of the drops as it hit the surface of the water. They resembled little snowflake formations without the extensions that characterize snowflakes. The light reflecting off of the water gave the process an element of special effects. Prior to that moment, my mind had been all over the place. Yet, noticing the pattern displayed by the water drew me into the PRESENT moment and I was able to appreciate the until-then unnoticed beauty. In response, I smiled and continued to watch for a few more moments.

The other occurrence happened this morning. I was drinking a glass of water (from an actual glass) near the window. The sun was shining through the window and I was standing in its light. As I looked at the receding water while I drank, I noticed how the glass and water refracted the light into multiple colors. I didn’t see a full spectrum ROYGBIV rainbow but I did see some colors. In response, I smiled and continued to watch the phenomena as I slowly drank the rest of the water.

Needless to say, I don’t spend every moment in the PRESENT moment. However, when things happen to anchor me in the present moment, I appreciate the hint and go with it. Those moments serve as a reminder that life is truly beautiful if you stop and notice.

Years ago, I wrote about the same thing:
Taking The Time To Notice

In Sickness and In Health

I’ve attended a few weddings recently (three within the course of two weeks or so) and find myself truly thinking about the gravity of the vows. Wedding vows, of course, are made at the start of the marriage. Although there can be health issues already present at the start of the marriage, frequently the severity of existing health issues unfolds later. It is in those times that the couple’s commitment to the vows spoken in the beginning are tested.

This year has brought a couple to the forefront of my mind because of their ongoing commitment in the face of extreme health issues. Sadly, their vows ended with death doing them part.

I met the couple two years ago. I did not have a car at the time and they graciously offered to bring me to the last leg of my morning trek. Their graciousness was truly appreciated during my time of need. In riding with them together, and the husband separately, I was able to witness the high level of care they had for each other. She did not work because of complications from an old car accident that wouldn’t allow her to sit at an office for hours on end. However, she did drop him off and pick him up each day from the commuter lot where our workdays officially began and ended. He, on the other hand, had a medical condition that required him to immediately go home to do a critical at-home treatment. She was always there (or close to being there) to pick him up at the end of the day so that he could start his treatments. With the medical issues they both had, they still maintained a commitment to each others well-being.

Later, he had an unforeseen complication that wreaked havoc on the already fragile state of affairs his health was in. Their time and energy were devoted to trying to stabilize his health. Simultaneous to his downturn, she too had critical concerns with her health that needed to be addressed. In caring for him, she frequently pushed her own medical issues by the wayside. She and I would speak infrequently on the phone but would make up for lost time by the length of the calls.

The last time we spoke, things were moving in a more positive direction for them as a family. One day, I ran into them unexpectedly at the grocery store. It felt really good to see the two of them, him especially because it had been quite a while since I had seen him or spoken to him. He looked in good spirits and seemed like his old self again. About three months’ later, he died. That, potentially, was the last time that I would see either of them as she has probably moved by now.

I am intentionally vague with details because ultimately their story is not my story to tell. But I will share that, in the face of serious medical conditions that severely impacted both of their lives, they were there for each other. My conversations with her invariably included detailed updates on his medical progress as well as hers. My conversations with him showed a concern on his part that she was taken care of in the event that something were to happen to him. They were as committed through the difficulties of sickness as they were in health till death did them part.

You Lead, I Follow (?)

As you can probably tell by the previous video posts, I am somewhat fascinated by tango. So much so that I went to a class almost three years ago in an attempt to learn to tango.

It.

Was.

DISASTER.

I was so awkward. The simple beginner movements were too complex for me to comprehend. My mind and body were simply not in accord with what I was being told and shown.

The ultimate difficulty? Following my partner’s lead.

I can bust a move on the dance floor by myself that could bring some smiles and cheers. However, if you throw in a partner whose direction I must follow, dancing turns into a system failure. I have an almost innate inability to follow and it showed itself with flying colors during my failed attempts to follow my partners during that ill-fated tango class almost three years ago.

Fast forward almost three years later…

If at first you don’t succeed, wait (in this case a long time) and try, try again. I went to the same tango class last week. I was filled with the same level of dread regarding what could have been an impending disaster. Yet, last week I started with my first partner and away we went. I even mentioned to him that I am resistant to being lead and despite my dire warning, away we went. Again. And again. And again.

Thinking it was a fluke of nature that he was a natural born leader, we changed partners and I tried again. And again, away we went. And so it went for the rest of the evening with each successive partner. Was I perfect? By no stretch of the imagination. I had one sequence that I consistently screwed up because I had difficulty remembering not to shift my weight from the correct leg. Despite that consistent error, I was able to successfully complete the sequence several times with each partner.

Although this post primarily relates to tango, on a deeper level, it also points to a problem I have in my general life – an inability and/or resistance to follow the man. The thoughts that come to mind are various statements that I’ve received from men in the past: “you are too independent”; “you just won’t listen”; and “you’re just going to do what you want to do anyway.” A major source of the problem in these past instances (I do want to clarify that these are past instances and there is the possibility for something different in my future) is that I never felt the man spoke with an understanding and concern for my best interest. I viewed what they said through the lens of them making an authoritarian pronouncement they felt I must follow through on. Authoritarianism does not go over well with me. At all. And in the face of authoritarianism, I just won’t listen and I am going to do what I want to do anyway.

The other issue is that I have a fundamental distrust in where they will lead me. In relationships, I have been involved with people who lead (or wanted to lead) me in the direction most beneficial to them, although it was contrary to what may have been best for me. I have been involved with only two people who I would have followed without a second thought. One of the two, I actually verbally stated, “you lead, I’ll follow.” Although I said it in passing, he didn’t realize the gravity of the statement because I meant it beyond the scope of what we were discussing at that exact moment. I implicitly trusted where he would have taken me.

Maybe as I continue to make progress in following with tango, I will be presented with a relationship in which he leads and I DO follow. Because I trust in where he is leading US.

Which One Is Your Kid?

This evening, I decided to go to a capoeira (Brazilian martial arts) class that I had seen on a flyer that I picked up. I LOVE capoeira and thought it would be nice to watch others learn. The one thing I overlooked is that the class is for children. Despite that oversight on my part, I stayed there and watched the children practice. While watching, I started a conversation with one of the parents who was sitting next to me and she asked “which one is your kid?” I stumbled and fumbled for my answer. I told her that I don’t have children and just came to watch the class not realizing it was for children. I enjoyed watching the different children go through the techniques they were being taught. There was a little girl who was good but at the same time hesitant; a little boy (or girl) who had a spring of energy that bubbled up to the surface naturally; a little boy who was doing one technique and looked like a natural in comparison to his older brother; the older brother who found his rhythm at a later moment; and a little girl who was very shy because it was her first time, who aced the techniques in the end; and one teenager who was years older than the others but still going through the techniques just the same. They were a joy to watch. Watching the children with their varying degrees of trepidation and enthusiasm reminded me of my desire to have children. I even said to the parent that I do want to have children, even at the advanced maternal age of 45. We discussed exposing children to multicultural experiences so that they have a well-rounded point of view and are able to exist in multiple environments. I could definitely see bringing my own children to that capoeira class. I would just hope they would be more natural movers than their mother…

In the end, the parent and I exchanged telephone numbers and I’ve now made one new friend. Nothing about the class was as I had expected but it turned out to be just what I needed.