Father’s Day. A day in which men are recognized and honored for being a father. For me, Father’s Day is a day I will look forward to celebrating once I create my own family. However, as the child of an absent father, I could just as easily celebrate Flag Day instead. It too is in June and starts with an F.
Although I look forward to someday (soon hopefully) having my own children with someone who will be a father courtesy of me, I struggle to move beyond the hurdles that not having grown up with a father present. When I meet people that I’m actually interested in, I immediately ask myself the question “will he stay?” “Will he stay” then becomes the question reiterated throughout every aspect of the relationship. The one relationship that I had where I harbored the hope, dream and desire to have a family together was dogged by my debilitating fear that he would leave. In hindsight of that relationship, I realize that one of the key abilities I lack is that of being endearing. I’ve (obviously) never been endeared to my father and don’t know the process of endearment (if there is one). In addition, I can be rather direct because I hate ambiguity. Somehow endearment and a direct manner don’t seem like a likely combination. I probably stomp through moments of endearment like an elephant in a flower garden simply because I don’t know. When I do recognize that the direct approach is definitely not a good one, I then say nothing because fine art of beating around the bush escapes me. In addition, moments of vulnerability render me mute. If only there was an adult version of the elementary school note “will you be my girlfriend – yes or no?” I could provide a direct response to the question.
I’ve met many people who have found me anywhere from attractive to the dreaded four-letter word – sexy. Yet, of the people I’ve met, the ones who have offered a route to mother/fatherhood have come with a Faustian bargain – they have had no intentions of actually being there. In keeping with the desire to provide a better life for your children than what you’ve had, having a child grow up without its father (if I can help it) is not an option. That would be like reliving all the painful aspects of growing up without my father again through my own children. The first time around I was helpless to do anything about it. If there is motherhood for me, as much as I can help it, I plan for my children to have the benefit of their father.
On the bright side, I am currently living in a country (and continent) where I see fathers everywhere with their children. I’m living under the same roof with a father (and best friend) who loves and spends time with his children quite frequently. I’m a phone call (and maybe two hour plane ride) away from the other best friend who is also a father who loves and spends time with his children. I’m heartened that, despite my own experiences growing up without a father, surrounded by legions of others without fathers, I see examples of what fatherhood really looks like. Maybe, just maybe, there will be a Father’s Day that I celebrate with my own nuclear family. Hopefully soon.
In the meantime, maybe I should design cards for men that ask the critical questions:
“Will you be my girlfriend – yes or no?”
“Will you be my wife – yes or no?”
“Will you be the mother of my children – yes or no?”
More on fathers later…
