As you can probably tell by the previous video posts, I am somewhat fascinated by tango. So much so that I went to a class almost three years ago in an attempt to learn to tango.
It.
Was.
A.
DISASTER.
I was so awkward. The simple beginner movements were too complex for me to comprehend. My mind and body were simply not in accord with what I was being told and shown.
The ultimate difficulty? Following my partner’s lead.
I can bust a move on the dance floor by myself that could bring some smiles and cheers. However, if you throw in a partner whose direction I must follow, dancing turns into a system failure. I have an almost innate inability to follow and it showed itself with flying colors during my failed attempts to follow my partners during that ill-fated tango class almost three years ago.
Fast forward almost three years later…
If at first you don’t succeed, wait (in this case a long time) and try, try again. I went to the same tango class last week. I was filled with the same level of dread regarding what could have been an impending disaster. Yet, last week I started with my first partner and away we went. I even mentioned to him that I am resistant to being lead and despite my dire warning, away we went. Again. And again. And again.
Thinking it was a fluke of nature that he was a natural born leader, we changed partners and I tried again. And again, away we went. And so it went for the rest of the evening with each successive partner. Was I perfect? By no stretch of the imagination. I had one sequence that I consistently screwed up because I had difficulty remembering not to shift my weight from the correct leg. Despite that consistent error, I was able to successfully complete the sequence several times with each partner.
Although this post primarily relates to tango, on a deeper level, it also points to a problem I have in my general life – an inability and/or resistance to follow the man. The thoughts that come to mind are various statements that I’ve received from men in the past: “you are too independent”; “you just won’t listen”; and “you’re just going to do what you want to do anyway.” A major source of the problem in these past instances (I do want to clarify that these are past instances and there is the possibility for something different in my future) is that I never felt the man spoke with an understanding and concern for my best interest. I viewed what they said through the lens of them making an authoritarian pronouncement they felt I must follow through on. Authoritarianism does not go over well with me. At all. And in the face of authoritarianism, I just won’t listen and I am going to do what I want to do anyway.
The other issue is that I have a fundamental distrust in where they will lead me. In relationships, I have been involved with people who lead (or wanted to lead) me in the direction most beneficial to them, although it was contrary to what may have been best for me. I have been involved with only two people who I would have followed without a second thought. One of the two, I actually verbally stated, “you lead, I’ll follow.” Although I said it in passing, he didn’t realize the gravity of the statement because I meant it beyond the scope of what we were discussing at that exact moment. I implicitly trusted where he would have taken me.
Maybe as I continue to make progress in following with tango, I will be presented with a relationship in which he leads and I DO follow. Because I trust in where he is leading US.