Month: March 2007

Super athlete (not!)

Current mood:  accomplished

I just came back from my swim class and I’m very happy with my progress. I am not deathly afraid of the water as I used to be. I still have a healthy regard for its ability to be the scene of my final moments. That underscores my reason for taking the class – to be able to operate in water without fear while understanding my limitations while in it. The whole mind-body connection is still a little off because I can’t discern the feel of the right way to do things as opposed to the wrong way. I could do it either way and it would feel the same to me. I recognize Rome wasn’t built in a day therefore I’m trying to enjoy the process as I move along from world-class drowner (the old me) to competent swimmer. After all, there are oceans out there in which I’d like to swim and dolphins who haven’t met me yet.

Currently reading:
Infidel
By Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Release date: 25 April, 2006

Slowing Down (I Meant To Post This Last Night)

Each Thursday morning when I’m driving on my way to work, I pass a church that has three people outside greeting commuters on their way to work. One person always waves to oncoming traffic while others are maybe serving coffee to people who walk by. I like to think that she is waving AT me personally and I wave back. The first time I did that, I think I caught her by surprise. That makes my Thursday morning when we wave at each other. It’s just one of those little things that I try my best to slow down enough to enjoy.

Another thing that I slowed down enough to do recently was take pictures at the park. My intent was to take photos of the beautiful blooming trees that are found throughout Saint Louis. I did get those photos done; however, I also ended up taking photos of other people as well. First, I was stopped by a woman who didn’t really speak English. She wanted me to take pictures of her and her children. The children were climbing on a wall or structure and it was kind of hard to get them to all stand still and face me at the same time. It was kind of funny in a way, one kid would not be ready, then once he was ready, someone else wasn’t. And it just kept going on and on. One kid just flat out refused to have his face in the photo so I took the picture with him looking away. On my way back to the car, I was stopped by a couple who wanted me to take a picture of them as well. They were in their early twenties and obviously happy to be with each other in the park that day. I just hope I was able to capture their happiness in my photo. I’ll never know but hopefully they can look back on the photo years later with happy memories (instead of being annoyed at the bad photographer, lol).

It’s almost time for me to walk out of the door to head to work – gotta run (but slowly)!

Nikki Giovanni

Current mood: inspired

Category: Writing and Poetry

Recently, I’ve had many occurrences of my being in the right place at the right time to receive a piece of information that leads to some other event that holds a kernel of information that provides inspiration, solace or just plain entertainment. My latest occurrence was hearing a Nikki Giovanni interview over the weekend promoting her appearance here in Saint Louis tonight. As luck would have it, I was in the car on the way to my hair appointment when I heard her speaking and heard the information about her appearance. I promptly made myself a reminder so that I wouldn’t forget to go (that has happened more than once). As a “would love to be a writer”, Nikki Giovanni is one of the writers whose style I admire because she is definitely able to speak (and write) her truth.

I’m glad I went. She was a very warm, entertaining speaker who was able to make strong points that had the audience applauding throughout. Despite the fact that I was sitting in a hot room at the Central Library shoulder-to-shoulder with people who were also sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, I thoroughly enjoyed the hour and a half that she spoke and would have loved for her to have been able to speak longer. Speaking of hot rooms, I was glad that I use Sure deodorant – any other brand would have been labeled Uncertain with the conditions in the room. With her hour and a half, she recreated a communal feeling of being Black and proud that not many people are able to produce, especially in a mixed setting. In addition to her social commentary on Black history from the perspective of survival and incredible reinvention, she also delivered a few stinging blows. Part of me would love to hear her REAL opinion of Condoleeza Rice, although the comment that she gave truly left the opinion that she wasn’t a charter member of her fan club.

One part of her discussion that resounded with me personally was when she talked about her mother and her mother’s death. I was able to listen to her speak of her mother’s excitement and (quiet) observation of different accomplishments in her career and could relate in a weird way. Of course, it also made me think about my own personal experiences and reinforced my knowledge that this area of development continues to come up in order for me to address it as well.

If I could have an ideal mentor situation for my writing, it would be a combination of Alice Walker, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni and Bell Hooks. With these four writers as mentors, I feel that I would not write like them (imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but it’s still not original) but would find my own voice as a writer. Maybe I should make another universal wish to make that happen…

Good night and have a happy week.

Currently listening:
Corinne Bailey Rae
By Corinne Bailey Rae
Release date: 20 June, 2006

The Dog That Hollered

Current mood:  pensive

Category: Life

Sometimes I feel as if life is constantly sending me messages about the things I’ve chosen to ignore or gloss over. I was in the car this morning and was changing the radio station because I wanted to hear the time (I left my cell phone at home – it’s my watch). I tuned in to one station as a woman was mid-thought explaining how many (not all) Black women shield themselves from relationships because of fear. She mentioned many underlying factors that seemed as if she knew me and my life personally. Again, I almost cried when I heard what she was saying because her words were an affirmation of my internal turmoil that I’m always covering. Speaking of covering, she even mentioned something that I’m truly guilty of – dressing to appear normal or as if everything is going well when inside it’s not. I am not a vain or high-maintenance person (in my humble opinion). I go to a salon to get my hair done every eight weeks (unheard of for some people), don’t really wear makeup and am an infrequent spa visitor. However, I will invariably look well put together because of my clothing choices. Therein lies the problem, I spend more energy making choices to dress the outside when in fact I should spend that energy ADDRESSING the recurring issues that are crippling me from the inside. Recent past events have shaken up my life to the point where I’ve definitely been able to see the fissures in my facade. Now I just need to do the difficult work of going to the source and repairing – from the inside.

There is a saying that a hit dog will holler. This morning I felt as if my name were Fido and that I had just been hit…

By the way, this was written during a slow period at work today. I copied and pasted this information for the most part. I do have another one for tonight because I also went to see and hear Nikki Giovanni speak.

Currently listening:
Experience: Jill Scott 826+
By Jill Scott
Release date: 20 November, 2001

Discovery

Tonight was a surprisingly interesting night of discovery. I went to dinner with a friend of mine. We went to a local Persian restaurant and I absolutely enjoyed his entree (I have a knack for ordering the wrong entree). My entree was good, don’t get me wrong, but his was far better. We also had good conversation without a lot of the push/pull that generally happens when we are holding a conversation.

On the way home, I noticed the house that I had been watching being renovated had the lights on, people were in there and art was on the walls. From that small indication, we ended up crashing an art gallery pre-opening. I enjoyed many of the paintings and was intrigued by the sculptures that were sprinkled throughout the gallery. There was a wonderful selection of food artfully displayed that I couldn’t partake of because I had just polished off a big meal (the server even said she was proud of my clean plate). We had a short conversation with the owner and he mentioned plans to provide alternative healing services as well. That was right up my alley. I’ve been exhausted all this week (and last week too), however I’m glad I did take my friend up on the offer to go out because I discovered a lot tonight.

Musings On My Return To The Workforce

Last night I rattled off a couple of words about how exhausted I’ve been now that I’ve started working again. I realized that what I’ve not addressed is the job itself or how I feel about working again. So tonight I will attempt to express that (I have had some coffee after attending an open mic event so I may be able to stay up and write some coherent thoughts).

I am happy to be a member of the workforce again. I’ve managed to survive and subsist on unemployment for a period of time but having a paycheck in exchange for work rendered is a good feeling – especially when the paycheck will be larger than the unemployment check. It also feels good to have a designated place to go with designated things to do. I get bored easily and was struggling to keep myself entertained, occupied and upbeat at times. It’s bad when I can’t keep myself entertained because I rely on my ability to entertain myself more so than someone else’s ability to do so. I truly started to feel the limitations of the “island unto oneself” syndrome.

The job itself is an awesome opportunity because it is with a company that I could see myself remaining with for a while. Unlike my last job, I can see stepping stones to what I would like to achieve by staying with the company. I now have a light that is dimly shining at the end of the tunnel and I don’t think it is an approaching train. In most job situations (and other situations as well), I try to project forward based on current circumstances to see if a situation is a good fit for what I want overall. This job seems to be it. The people in the department seem to be a really nice group of people who travel frequently so it’s nice when they’re there but a lot of time they’re not there. Most importantly, the company is a stable company so maybe I won’t be laid-off again.

However, there are some reservations that I still hold – not with the company itself but with the concept of working in Corporate America. During my period of unemployment, I spent a lot of time looking at life differently. I think I actually could see life, which is something I probably was never doing before. Without the harried, stressful pace of working, I was able to, on many occasions, stop and smell the roses. I met a group of people whom I consider to be friends in a supportive manner. We all share a common bond that is hard to replicate with others. I’ve had people online share words of encouragement and inspiration (thank you, all). I’ve attended a few events that have been pretty memorable. I’ve met people with whom I’ve shared really good conversations or just moments in passing. I’ve even been able to focus long enough to write a couple of blogs here on MySpace. I attribute all of these small gifts to the fact that I was more open to appreciate those exact moments as they happened without work-related stress interfering. In addition, I’ve probably been more of myself because I’ve not had to put on a “Corporate Persona” that left the real me guarded. I slowly feel the guard solidifying into place again and I really don’t want that because once it’s up, it’s always up.

So here I am at a new job after being unemployed for four months. I’m grateful in a basic kind of way but still feel as if there is more to life that maybe I’m missing and will continue to miss as I continue working in Corporate America. Now that the unemployed period is over, I’m also grateful for the introspection it allowed me because without that four month period, I probably couldn’t formulate the thoughts I’ve just expressed.

I’m now signing off…

The Guarded/Unguarded Petitefreespirit

Off-Schedule

Current mood:  tired

I am definitely off-schedule when it comes to getting up, going to work and being there all day. I remain awake all day but it is a struggle sometimes. By the time I get home, I’m demolished of all energy. I arrived home around 5:30 and was asleep by 7. I just woke up around 9:30 and feel like I need to go right back to bed. At the end of the workday, I feel like someone has taken a vacuum cleaner and sucked ALL of my energy out. I’ve wanted to write some things and it seems like my ideas are sucked out along with my energy. In addition, there are certain times of the month when I have no energy. I’m not sure if it’s the new work schedule after four months of unemployment or if I’ve hit the no energy phase – I think it’s a combination of the two.

Insert Big Yawn Here

A very tired Petitefreespirit