Last night I rattled off a couple of words about how exhausted I’ve been now that I’ve started working again. I realized that what I’ve not addressed is the job itself or how I feel about working again. So tonight I will attempt to express that (I have had some coffee after attending an open mic event so I may be able to stay up and write some coherent thoughts).
I am happy to be a member of the workforce again. I’ve managed to survive and subsist on unemployment for a period of time but having a paycheck in exchange for work rendered is a good feeling – especially when the paycheck will be larger than the unemployment check. It also feels good to have a designated place to go with designated things to do. I get bored easily and was struggling to keep myself entertained, occupied and upbeat at times. It’s bad when I can’t keep myself entertained because I rely on my ability to entertain myself more so than someone else’s ability to do so. I truly started to feel the limitations of the “island unto oneself” syndrome.
The job itself is an awesome opportunity because it is with a company that I could see myself remaining with for a while. Unlike my last job, I can see stepping stones to what I would like to achieve by staying with the company. I now have a light that is dimly shining at the end of the tunnel and I don’t think it is an approaching train. In most job situations (and other situations as well), I try to project forward based on current circumstances to see if a situation is a good fit for what I want overall. This job seems to be it. The people in the department seem to be a really nice group of people who travel frequently so it’s nice when they’re there but a lot of time they’re not there. Most importantly, the company is a stable company so maybe I won’t be laid-off again.
However, there are some reservations that I still hold – not with the company itself but with the concept of working in Corporate America. During my period of unemployment, I spent a lot of time looking at life differently. I think I actually could see life, which is something I probably was never doing before. Without the harried, stressful pace of working, I was able to, on many occasions, stop and smell the roses. I met a group of people whom I consider to be friends in a supportive manner. We all share a common bond that is hard to replicate with others. I’ve had people online share words of encouragement and inspiration (thank you, all). I’ve attended a few events that have been pretty memorable. I’ve met people with whom I’ve shared really good conversations or just moments in passing. I’ve even been able to focus long enough to write a couple of blogs here on MySpace. I attribute all of these small gifts to the fact that I was more open to appreciate those exact moments as they happened without work-related stress interfering. In addition, I’ve probably been more of myself because I’ve not had to put on a “Corporate Persona” that left the real me guarded. I slowly feel the guard solidifying into place again and I really don’t want that because once it’s up, it’s always up.
So here I am at a new job after being unemployed for four months. I’m grateful in a basic kind of way but still feel as if there is more to life that maybe I’m missing and will continue to miss as I continue working in Corporate America. Now that the unemployed period is over, I’m also grateful for the introspection it allowed me because without that four month period, I probably couldn’t formulate the thoughts I’ve just expressed.
I’m now signing off…
The Guarded/Unguarded Petitefreespirit