Saturday night, I went out to an art fair where local artists exhibited their work at local businesses. The event was complete with food, drinks and music throughout the business district. I randomly strolled through some shops that I had never thought to walk into before. As I strolled solo through the streets, eventually, I ran into someone that I know from being at Starbucks from time to time (the second person that night actually). She was there with her boyfriend.
While standing talking, three men approached and one of them started a conversation complete with introductions all around. A few minutes into the introductions, the direction of his conversation became a little more pointed – was I married, so forth, etc. I deflected his attention with “seeing someone”. He and his friends moved their personal party up the street and we moved mid-street. At one point, I wanted to check out the band that was playing on a corner and drifted off for a second – long enough to re-attract the attention of Mr. Life of the Party. Since I was alone, he had the opportunity to say what he couldn’t say in mixed company.
Initially, his comments were relatively benign.
“I would love to give you my number so that we can go out.”
“I would love to buy you a drink or something to eat.”
“You have a beautiful smile.”
“You really are an attractive woman.”
He went on to explain to me that he had his own house that was paid for and a car that was also paid for. In addition, he mentioned that he ran a company. He made the distinction that he did not OWN the company but could pretty much do as he pleased when it came to his job. He mentioned that he enjoyed going out and having a good time such as what he was doing that night.
At a certain point during the conversation, he made me want to punch him in the mouth…
“You are slim and petite just like I prefer my women. Ahhh, the things we could do together (as voice and thoughts fade off). If I walked into a party with THAT on my arm, everybody would be looking my way.”
This is not an exact replay of what he said because I was not recording his conversation. However, within three minutes of our “private” conversation he had told me he owned his house, he owned his car and had a high-paying job with next-to ultimate responsibility (I’m assuming the level of responsibility had a corresponding level of pay). Too much of the wrong information.
I. HATE. THAT.
In the course of his “eloquently waxing poetic” about my fitting his petite preference, he also completely objectified me by calling me THAT. His exact word, verbatim, was THAT when he referred to my envy-making potential if he made an entrance with me by his side.
I. HATE. THAT. EVEN. MORE.
Am I not a living, breathing person? Do I not have thoughts and feelings? Or am I a vehicle for someone, who is obviously hell-bent on impressing others, to further impress? When did we start conversationally substituting the pronoun you (representing a person) with the pronoun that (representing an object)? Is that en vogue now?
Men who feel an all-consuming need to impress others (me included) are the ultimate turnoff. I was married to someone who was concerned about impressing others. It was frustrating and tiring because every action was calculated for effect. There is no room for doing something just for the hell of it or the love of it when your goal is to impress. Purchases are not made based on the merits of the product but the name associated with the product and, again, the ability to impress. To this day, I feel that we married early so that my ex-husband could have bragging rights of having married before his brother. My ex-husband married me more for my looks than for the way he felt about me. Today, years later, his brother is still married and we, of course, are not.
Post-divorce, I met someone else with whom I was involved. He would talk about his desire for us to take a trip to a town in Florida that is not readily thought of when it concerns Florida. I thought nothing of it. He mentioned his hobbies, one of which was skydiving, which, again, I thought nothing of. He later purchased an Audi two-door convertible sports car. It wasn’t until I went to a party and met several of his friends that I understood that he too was someone overly consumed with the need to not only impress but compete. While at the party, I met a friend that he talked about quite frequently. I also met his girlfriend. The friend’s girlfriend and I looked very similar, I was just younger. During the course of my conversation with the girlfriend, she mentioned that the couple loved to drive down to Florida to the now, not so random town. She even mentioned that he would let the top down in his less fancier, non-Audi but still convertible sportscar on the way down there. One of his hobbies? You guessed it, skydiving. During one conversation, I was presented with all the ways that my boyfriend, whose behavior I could never completely understand, was hellbent on impressing (and even one-upping) one man – his so-called friend. I was just a bit player in a life my boyfriend was imitating while his friend was living his true life.
Ultimately, I would like to have a relationship. Not just the physical relationship that seems to be top of mind for many men, rather an emotional, physical, love and friendship-based relationship. Being referred to as THAT, being seen as a body-type and being used as a proxy for making good impressions is antithetical to that. It is also something of which I’m pretty tired. If anything, let us just be. Together.