Words hold the power to change situations. One of the most powerful phrases is “I’m sorry.” Recently, I had a conversation with someone from a previous relationship. I had telephoned his mother months earlier because I didn’t have his telephone number. However, I never heard from him. During our conversation, I jokingly mentioned that he didn’t call me back and he stopped the conversation and apologized. Not only did he say he was sorry for having not called, he also took ownership of the way his not calling potentially made me feel. This level of apology was totally unexpected but truly appreciated.
During my twenties, I was involved with someone who, when he did something that hurt me, never apologized. His behavior would change in ways that pointed to contrition but were never followed by the actual words of apology. As this pattern continued, I started to feel as if I were suffocating from the weight of the unapologized hurts. Because I was in my twenties, I had no tools to communicate my own hurt nor did I have the tools to communicate the need for an apology to address the hurt. As a result of this protracted period of unacknowledged hurts, I became the apologizer he never was. Some time after our divorce, I apologized to my ex-husband for my contribution to the dysfunction in our marriage. My apology was not a blanket apology, it just covered my contribution to the dysfunction. He still has his contributions for which he is responsible. I had a memorable meltdown with an ex-boyfriend once and later apologized to him for the awful behavior that even I could not overlook. His sincere apology has inspired me. There are a multitude of actions for which I probably should have apologized in the past. The sooner an apology is offered after the offending event, the better. However, I hope that a late apology can still be an accepted apology for those whom I will attempt to proffer apologies for past grievances. Words (and the intent behind them) truly do hold the power to change situations. I plan to use my words wisely in order to offer redress to situations in which I was the offending party. Updates later on the path of apology…